This may come as a surprise, but some of the most intimate people I have ever encountered actually live a life of celibate chastity. In his book, Letters and Papers from Prison, the famous German pastor, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, writes: “The essence of chastity is not the suppression of lust, but the total orientation of one’s life towards a goal.” This goal may be a life of service to others as I did for years as a Catholic monk, or as a dedicated mother of three, as my life partner has been for years now. A genuine celibate life is an invitation to intimacy. I define intimacy as emotional closeness with others (and not as sexual contact). If I profess to live a life in celibacy but lack loving relationships, I must look beyond my celibate chastity for the cause of this deficit. Because selfishness and self- involvement are incompatible with this kind of life. For example, people who choose this way of living because they don’t want to be bothered by others, never seem to be at ease with their choice. As true of any life of love, the lifestyle of a celibate person has more to do with self-transcendence than self-fulfilment.

I’ll admit, though, that many of those who make up religious life and priesthood are partly responsible for the skewed approach to celibate chastity that exists in some quarters today. Reluctant to talk about their experiences of living in celibacy, they fall back on a familiar set of responses when asked to explain their choice: “For the sake of the kingdom,” or “In order to love everyone and not just one person,” or even “To be more available to others.” Having put those reasons on the table, they have also been known to take a collective deep breath and hope that no one asks any more questions. Is it any wonder that a number of people have come to think of celibate chastity as a sort of neutered existence?

I don’t want to detract from the goodness of genital sexuality. Unfortunately, a suspicious view about sex continues to exist in some parts of our society today. At times it resembles a fear of the body. There is a need to challenge fears of sex and any suggestion that it blocks a relationship with God. After all, married men and women have been saying for years that sex is sacramental and God-given. It’s a powerful means for expressing love for another person, as well as an opportunity to experience the love of that very same God.

At the same time, we cannot rely too much on the blessings of genital union. Loneliness, for example, is a part of our human condition. Often enough, you and I feel restless, driven, hungry, and unfinished at every level—physically, emotionally, spiritually, and sexually. We can quickly conclude that our agitation and sense of alienation are little more than a hunger that can be satisfied only by romantic sexuality. But while sex is wholesome and positive, it is not the ultimate answer to your loneliness or mine.

Anyone choosing a life of celibacy must ultimately pursue love. To live a loveless life of celibacy is a contradiction, as this kind of life is a call to intimacy. I no longer live a celibate life, but I still do live a chaste life with my partner years after leaving the monastery. We have found ways to be in a loving relationship with one another that creates and sustains life. Ways that are now bringing a baby to our doorstep and into our loving arms.